Fight practice today.
I was sooooo excited and sooooo primed up! I felt great, I was focused and preped up!
Aaaaaaaand I sucked. Big time.
My mind was there, my head saw all the openings, knew where to go, where to hit, what to block. But my body just decided that today was not a good day. No clue why. I wasn't in pain, for once!!! It felt like my first day in armour.
When I felt that my excitement and joy was being replaced by frustration and anger, I popped my helm off and reflected on myself. I was so mad at myself for sucking. Then it hit me that this wasn't the first time it happened. And the other time it did, I just fought and focused and practiced and eventually it unlocked something and I was on a roll again. I know that this time isn't any different. But the more it goes, the harder it is to unlocked what ever is blocking. It as to be normal, right? After my few minutes meditating on the problem I went back for a few fights and even if I wasn't any better, my joy and excitement was back. Next practice will be better.
What bothers me the most about this is disappointing people. I'm used to disappoint myself. Disappointing others as a bigger impact. What if my mentors think I'm not trying hard enough? What if they think I don't care? What if I let down the people that look up to me for inspiration? What if the people that inspires me think I'm not worth it? And worst of all, what if my Knight thinks I'm useless and am not worth is time and effort anymore?
Ursulmas is the weekend after the next. I NEED to unblock. My last tourney wasn't all that good, I dont want this to become a habit..... and I wont let this become a habit. I dont want to disappoint anyone.
One thing for sure, this was the last time I take 5 practices off. I don't care if it's Jul or Ostara or Walpurgis or any other sacred holiday.... no more breaks.
Wednesday practice; I will own my fights.
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